i was thinking about ed's philosophy about not holding back in his diary and writing what he feels and not worring about what other people think. and im pondering giving the idea a shot.

so here goes:

lately ive been really jealous of jamie. and no it doesnt have much to do with matt like you all are thinking ... im finally over that fiasco. i dont know ... im just envious of how everyone loves her ... she can be so insecure sometimes and shes still revered as perfect. (im talking generally people ... i dont want people writing mean entries in my guestbook about how they dont like her)

but i think the thing that gets me the most is her relationship with casey. its hard to explain but casey is probably the most important person in my life ... and im sorry that i dont tell her enough. she is such a strong and beautiful person. she has to take all this shit and she is still sane (kinda) she is an awesome friend, extremely intelligent, and has a great sensee of humor. and she doesnt even realize it. i know we argue all the time ... and we're always getting on each other's nerves ... but thats the beauty of our relationship. she makes me feel better when im around her.

butlately weve been pretty distant ... i remember when we used to talk everynight on the phone ... and we had this great notebook that we passed notes in. but now we only talk during school and on the weekends and shes getting cliser and closer to jamie. and i know i have no place to tell her who she can and cant be friends with ... it just sucks that jamie can have basically anything she wants ... thats just her way ... but she has my best friend. and its not a concious effort ... i hope ... but it still hurts. and i know im being neurotic. but i miss cakey and i miss having inside jokes with her. and now i have to painfully listen to their jokes and smile like i get it. im in no way saying that casey should not be friends with jamie ... im just saying that i wish i was included. i feel like the old malibu barbie that was the favorite toy untill WOAH! ice princess barbie came along and new toys are always more fun ... so im stuck in the barbie box occasionally taken out to try to steal ken from ice princess barbie or some other cameo appearance.

ACK im sooo insane! i know im making a big deal about what seems to be nothing ... and blowing stuff outta proportion ... but i really needed to get this out in the open ... and i jsut want casey back.

~chels