today sucked

yup sucked

sucked more than my super vaccume cleaner with the attachaable extenxion hose and ...

uh huh

i woke up late and slumped to the computer. then i wrapped millions and millions of presents. ive been feeling really crappy all day and so i decided to vedge out on the couch watching the story of the jackson 5 on vh1

i was kinda hoping someone would call today but no such luck.

but at about 7 o clock i got a call from brendans mom about my family christmas party im having tomorrow. and she was surprised to hear my voice. after a little confusion she explained that brendan went out with a bunch of people to see Lord of the Rings and that she expected me to be there. yeah that sucked. so i laughed it off and pouted through the rest of the jackson movie. why didnt anyone call me? i know i didnt miss a call because i was sitting with the phone in my lap ALL day. and i was just slightly peeved by the fact that noone called me when i worked my butt off to call everyone 2 weeks ago when we went to see MOnsters inc. another thing that got me mad is that instead of calling me a few people left me ims telling me what was going on while i was away. ims are the crappiest way of communication. i would hate it completely if it werent my only link to my friends in new york.

and im so fucking depressed about everyting. the only highlight of my life right now is that my dad is cancer free. i never told anyone this but my dad had surgery to have a tumer removed. he went through radiation and tests and now hes cured.

what is wrong with me? the only things i have any emotion for are the things i cant have. i cant have love, camp, or my friends in mew york.

not even this christmas has sparked anything. the only thing that has gotten me even the slightest bit excited s th fact that oin christmas im getting a coat. thats pathetic

ive even tried to force myself to be excited for christmas. ive read childrens christmas books, made various christmas cds... nothing. im numb.

and romeo and juliet ... the movie i was so looking foreward to ... jsut made me more depressed. the way he looks at her ... no guys really look at girls like that. im a hopeless romantic. i love that stuff. and have never gotten it. and that makes it that much worse. and the fact that everythime i watch that movie i hope that somehow he waits 3 more seconds before he drinks the poisen ... or never kills tybalt ... hoping that there is an alternate ending. bah

i hate feeliong numb.

and when im near him im so happy. he meake me smile to myself. even if i brush past him i get chills. but its useless. im happy and then i remember that my cause is hopeless and that hed never actually like me ... and i give up.

ill prolly end up marryig for formality ... just so that i dont die an old bitter maid who never ogt that hopeless romantic guy who swept her off her feet ... because he doesnt exsist.

so im going to breeze though this year and the next feeling numb ... for no reason i can figure out.

this numbness is going to drive me crazy.

the most depressing thing is to not be excited on christmas.

~chels