its the same cycle year after year, and one cant help but wonder where i would be at this point in time if somewhere along the road the path had shifted slightly. its an interesting concept to ponder for one who has no real belief in fate or the like ... but it keeps you guessing doesnt it?.

isnt it funny how a song can make you cry. it can personify all the feelings you just didnt know how to feel. and it helps you understand why and who and how.

of course it isnt easy for the modest to hide tears on a boeing. with the water polo cowboy at one side and oblivion on the other. and at that moment i wish i had the camera. but then again maybe the pictures would just look like bobby's and wheres the originality in that?

one may wonder how easy it would be to just fall back into the old way. to drop in on something you left behind. to adapt it for a week and discard it with my muffin wrapper as i get off the plane home.

and it wasnt the many things that i did that will stick with me forever. its the noises, the smells, the little things that one normally wouldnt see in regular life. the stuff you left behind. the things youre missing out on. the things youre taking for granted every day. things like the wide variety of fresh produce that can only be found at wegmans. the way no other cookie can compare to wegmans chocolate chip. the way his hair feels like strands of silk. the way it smells like coconut. the way his head perfectly fits in your lap. the way you can see your past present and future in his eyes. the way her laugh sounds. that hug youve been waiting so long for. the sound of high falls after dark. the way they are so proud when they sing "take me out to the ball game". that feeling you have knowing that you were there when your best friend got 100% on her driving test and you were there when she drove on a highway for the first time, the first time she changed lanes, the first time she almost hit a biker. and youll be the only one who can make fun of her for it.

one can rediscover the joys of a photo booth ... the old fashioned kind where the pictures always turn out great.for some reason the rain sounds better on the roof of her house and the thunder isnt quite so scary. its nice to not feel akward as a guest .. to be part of the family. its a relief to cry and mourn something no one but they would understand. that sound will haunt me forever, the cheers of hundreds of campers, none of which actually realize how lucky they are. cheering can be heard as you drag your feet slowly inching toward the car. because youve been turned away, "you dont belong", "there are no visitors here", the nurse said. had she even looked up from that stupid paper she was reading she might have seen the tears in our eyes. how can you "not belong" in the only place on earth where you feel like you do belong. how can anyone understand that feeling. like being emotionally gutted and feeling nothing the whole ride home.

its actually missing being a big sister.

and that movie would have never been as good without the ones who joined me in the viewing. and the icecream tasted better somehow in the backseat listening to linkin park, even though she doesnt like "that screaming music".

and to go to that amusement park. your first roller coaster. your first upside-down roller coaster. and even though they arent quite as thrilling as the new ones youve been on ... theyre jsut as great. because they were the firsts. and somehow you dont mind having your bathingsuit so far up your butt its coming out youre ears because of that waterslide, because he did it too, and you had something to laugh about. and its all about the bobsleds, that one packs a punch. i still have the wrist band on .. its my desprate attempt to hold on.

and when we pulled into camp to drop them off and i jumped out of the moving car into your arms, do you know how happy i was. to see you made my whole year. and to see you, and you, yeah and even you. haha why did you shave your head? and you still owe your #1 fan a CD here. and even though hes a counselor he missed me ... and he cared. and he made me promise i wouldnt leave without saying goodbye. and yanno ... talking to mr. him, that guy in charge, gave me new hope. hope i had pretty much lost.

and that has made all the difference.

any day now ... any day.