i used to be frikin giddy about these holidays of sorts ... especially when presents are involved.

but tonight could have been like any other. and theres something about turning to the most unlikely of confidants, spilling my heart, and getting an 11 year olds black and white approach to things. his mind isnt jaded by hormones and highschool. he has the logic of a sensible human, not a blubbering teenager. and i have to say that he made me feel alot better.

i took a bath today, soaked in my problems, worries, stress, and tried to drain them away in the pipes. but when thinking in a realistic sence ... it doesnt work. but the stars were pretty. and i found myself pitying the dull ones. so i looked at them. because everyone likes the bright stars and it seems that the dull ones are being ignored. maybe one day theyll fade away forever.

of course his short answer chorus is echoing in my ears. and as he punches random inanimate objects i wonder if it was any fault of mine. how can i help that? whats the purpose. you did know didnt you? you were the one on the other end of this. and of course i would love to hug my teddy bear and curl up under a tree in the daylight or the moon light and wait for my prince charming to come to me. i dont want to make the effort. because when i do someone gets hurt. and im afraid that one day itll halt. stop. finish. and then itll be an instant replay of all those terrible moments, hesitations, regrets. the shame the stupor.

of course i get thinking when im tired. i over analize and i criticise. i emotionalize.

one bird sang to me as i fell from a very great height. as if the wind were carrying me upwards and gravity had no protest. and i spin and play in the current as life sweeps me away down stream. while i feverishly paddle against the rushing time.and he was there. he, he, were there.

when im tired i think, and i get annoyed at my bad poem of a life.