i could say im fine. im going to meet bruce springsteen in 5 days. im going to visit some cool colleges. im going to see an old friend from the old days. i got into camp. im having fun in the fall play. im getting along with my brother. some of my friendships are growing stronger. im getting good grades. im listening to good music.

but at the same time im really not fine. im confused as to why im not completely exstatic about the aforementioned things. its really wierd but i cant remember completely happy. and im not trying to pull an emo "oh my life is so forlorn" approach to this entry, im just trying to figure it out. why do i feel this way? is it a chemical imbalance? dont get me long im pretty glad about things. ive been in a better mood lately. but i have these little demons that are preventing me from being completely content. i have this constant feeling that people dont like me. and i dont know why i care so much. well i dont care. well yeah i do. i mean i dont want to be hated by anyone ... but i know i am ... and im not a big fan of that. and then theres my constant argument with myself over who i want to be. who i am and what kind of person i want to be. i always make resolutions in bed. im always thinking about what im going to do in my future. im going to talk to tim. im going to resolve whatever happened. im going to start running. i need to get in shape. im going to put more into my school work. im going to write a letter to trevor. im going to tell him one of these days.

resolutions i feel sure about at 11:30 at night. and will never actually be accomplished. i seem to be braver under my sheets hugging my teddy bear. i guess we all are. i wish i could have my bedtime state of mind all the time. id be a friking olypian if i did.

half of me is super nieve. the other half is quite smart. i know i posess knowelege, i know im smart, but at the same time i know nothing. and that bothers me. how do i differenciate?

im bored. i want life to slow down and speed up at the same time. and thats whats making me not fine.

tomorrow's another day i suppose.