myself hurts.
im in this one alone.
i wish i could put into words how i feel. its like a perpetual stomachache. ive had this before. but this time its different.
i didnt want to see him but i found myself searching for him every chance i could get. i wish i could have held it all in last night. it was really embarassing to cry. i hate looking like a drama queen. stupid girl, crying over a boy. yeah thats it.
he was my best friend and my confidant. i got too close too fast. i didnt want anything more than his friendship. hes the one that took it too far. and im the one left to clean up the pieces. figures.
tonight hurt. hurt alot.
i keep adding on to this entry. i think i need it to be my confess all entry. its masked by the entries that i wrote after i started it. i resolved that id never get too personal in my diary again. that happened twice and i paid dearly for it. but i need to get this out. i need to.
a few weeks ago i watched the video of the RX Bandits i got for my birthday. that was the day i finally cried about him. i had been holding in everything since he told me that he "didnt want me to get attached". through crazy and embarassingly large amounts of tears i watched him dance around in the pit at the concert. he happened to be caught on film completely coincidentally. and at the pivotal moment of one song he can be seen in the corner turing around to you can see his face, just as they sing "pleading protest i grab my heart and scream out loud". what a movie moment. i wanted to smach the tape at that moment. but i just kept hitting rewind. i was this pathetic excuse for a human hitting rewind, watching his face turn into view, the singing in the background, sobbing, and repeating the cycle untill i couldnt take it anymore. i spent the whole show last night looking at him through teary eyes. his happiness was mocking me. and id like to say that my friends helped me through it, and their efforts definitly made me feel like i had someone who was there for me, but at the same time nothing was/is changing how much this hurts. i just want my friend back. i just want to feel important to him again.
december 26th: so i tried to initiate conversation tonight. and not surprisingly it failed miserably.
i liked him when he was a senior. that crazy one everyone loved. and at that one show, at heights high school, when he asked me if he could wipe his blood on me. and of course i acted like it was the most rediculous thing id ever heard ... in the meantime my inner chelsea was screaming "oooh my god hes never talked to me before!!!"
i like those days better. that was that for awhile you know ... untill i started hanging out with kevin. they were sort of friends which put him into the picture again. at taco bell he complimented me on my beat up pumas. and we played video games in mike paranese's bedroom once. and at graduation he said somethign to me, but i was definitly too distracted by kevin that night.
then vinny started talking to me. he liked me, it was very cool. and the first time we actually hung out was when he came to pick me up with him driving. i sat in the back seat and i was intreagued by the way he made me laugh. his horn didnt work so when he went to beep it he would get very angry that he couldnt. and it was funny. he dropped me off at my house that night and vince walked me to my door. tim drove away to give vince that chance to "make his move" or haunt my jaun as he later described it. thats a phrase i never thought id actually miss hearing. he drove by like a million times untill vince finally got in the car, without the kiss. later he talked to me online yelling at me becuase i didnt kiss his friend goodnight. and i appologized.
we would talk every night. mostly online until he went to college. i saw him the day after i got my belly button pierced. he said it was kinda trashy. and although i refused to admit it i was really hurt that he didnt approve. that night we took the picture togehter. he had been asking for a picture of us for weeks. he wanted to put it on his wall when he went to college. i never got that picture developed. the night before he came to see me. nicole was over. there was a show the next night that his band would be playing in. and i wanted to see them, but my cousin was less than interested. so i called him and he brought vince over, and they talked nicole into going. he was blatantly jealous as i talked to vince. the next night, at the show he winked at me as he played. i took pictures. he kept mouthing things to me and i was proud to be the friend of that guy in the band. he called later that night asking why i wasnt online to talk to him. but i couldnt because i had company over.
one night i was babysitting. he called me and wanted to come over. but i wasnt going to let that happen. i called him when i was done. he met me at my house and i snuck out. it was about 12. we sat on my front lawn. he held me
he called me while he was packing for college. i felt almost important. and sad at the same time, he woudnt be around all the time. he picked me up and we went to target. i had to get wrapping paper i think, and he had to get stuff for his dorm. wow i totally forgot about that until now. his mom wanted him to get those whipes you clean the bathroom with i think, but he ended up not buying anything.
he went to college in the end of august. i went to philly with pat one day to go to south street. we got lost so i called him. and we met him there. we pushed eachother when we walked down the street. and we would argue in the record store. i wore my hair down, my "emo" glasses, and my hoodie, because thats how he described his perfect cute punk rock girl. and no matter how not punk rock i am, i tried for him. he told me that i was his cute punk rock chick. and that made me happy. he never outright said that he liked me. but i knew. and the thing is that i liked him so much. and i kept brushing vince out of the picture. thinking that that would work. told me that i was the cutest girl ever. he told me that he liked me in the spring at that one show. the one where he wanted to wipe his blood on me. the one where he talked to me. hr used to tell me that he would take me places. we were going to skip down the street holding hands. we were going to get married. we were going to go to rockafellar center and ice skate. we were going to go to see catch 22. we were going to go to the art museum. we only did one of those things.
that day in philly i tried to buy the rx bandits cd, but he told me not to. and i knew that ment he had gotten it for me. my birthday was a week away. he got me into the rx bandits. he sent me "nothing sacred". and its my favorote song to this day. "who would have thought" sums up my relationship with him straight down to that line "pleading protest i grab my heart and scream out loud!". at one of the record stores i saw a poster for coldplay, it was free but you had to ask at the desk. i didnt have the courage to ask so he went off and got it for me.
he called me an FTP. fucking theater person. he had issues with stage people. i was excited about the fall play. he called me during rehearsal. he left a message saying something like "hey its me, i know youre in rehearsal right now, im just calling to see how that went, call me back" and i cried. i saved that message for a long time. i cried when i accidentaly deleted it.
i just read what i wrote. and its not good wording at all. im just pouring it out. these are the thing i havent talked about. these are all the memories i can possibly scrape out of my cranium becasue its hurting right now and i think maybe if i get them all out it well help. because im about as sick as my friends are of hearing about this.
i have to finish. i didnt see him much over the next few weeks. he called me almost every night. my mom was always complaining because i was on the phone with him. then there was the fated weekend. i cant pull out anymore memories and i need to get this out. i went to his band's show they played a great set. then afterwards, while the scofflaws were playing, we stood outside the back door. he kept pulling me close to him. i liked being there with him. he told me he was going to go skateboard and when the scofflaws were done i should meet him outside. he wanted to go for a walk. i got outside and we took that walk. first he started asking me about vince. but i told him that it wasnt working. i knew that i liked him. that walk will always be in my memory. he kissed me yeah it was magic at that one moment. then he wouldnt touch me. as we were walking back he was almost avoiding me. but he did admit that he thought that my belly button piercing was kinda cute. that was awesome. and then that was that. i was on cloud 9. i had no idea what was coming. he didnt call me that night. the next day i went to philly to see them play in a battle of the bands. i called him to see if he wanted to hang out before hand. but he was busy. i saw him at the show. he gave me a hug, thanked me for coming. then left with another girl. he barely looked at me that day. and i knew that it was definitly over. he didnt call me that night. he didnt call me the next day, or the next. i called him a few days later. and he said he was busy. he said hed call. he didnt. i called him again. i asked him why he hadnt called me. he said he was busy. i said bull shit. he said he didnt want me to get attached. i said oh. he said that he didnt think it would work out. i said oh. he said that he was an ass hole, he said he was sorry. i said oh. i told him i would be ok. i told him that i understood. but i dont understand. its not ok. im not ok. im not over it. i cant get over it. i cant get over him. why cant i just get over it?
he hasnt called, im not expecting him to ever call. and that hurts
i saw him at the show. he acted like i was nothing. like i was just someone he knew one time. that hurt
i try to talk to him. but it doesnt work. im the pathetic excuse for a human living off his last words, the memory of his face, and the thought that at one time he did care about me. and that hurts.
and this did nothing but make it hurt again
"you lied straight to my face, looking into my eyes. and all you had to do was appologoze. you didnt say youre sorry. i dont understand. i dont care that you hurt me. when it was you and me. and youll never get to [hurt] me again. helpless watched you break this heart of mine. lonlinees only wants you back here with me. common sense knows youre not good enough for me. and all you had to do was appologize and mean it. you didnt say youre sorry. i dont understand. i dont care that you hurt me. wish like hell i could go back in time. maybe then i could see how. but its too late. its over now. you didnt say youre sorry. i dont understand. you dont care that you hurt me. the way it used to be when it was you and me ... again."
1/15/03: there was a dance one night at the highschool. i remember dancing with vince. i had a lei on. i went to colin's house afterwards for a sleepover and i called him. he "happened to be in the area" so he stopped by for a little while. we held hands behind his back. and i liked the danger in it all.
i read all of this and i think of how incredibly dumb and brainless i sound here. i guess i dont want to make it a good entry because i do feel dumb and brainless when it comes to this exremely over exhausted topic. the good thing is that i can stop complaining about him. hes not on my mind nearly as much. i have successfully taken him off my buddylist. i have successfully found another guy who is decent and who actually cares about me. and i finally got through this. i can honestly say that im over it. not that it doesnt still hurt ...
i dont know why i named this "reunion", it was anything but. i think more like the tim chronicles ... *cough*.
i found this in my notebook: "he used to call me every night i loved hearing from him. i loved hearing his voice. i loved knowing that he didnt call anyone else every single night. he hasnt called me since before last weekend. he kissed me. something that ended everything, and was supposed to start something. i was supposed to mean something to him. sunday he paid no attention to me. he hasn't called me. monday i sat staring at my phone hoping, waiting for it to ring. it didnt. i fell asleep with my fingers wrapped around my phone, imagining him falling in love with another girl, a more grown up girl, a cuter punk rock girl. and i drempt hed never call me again. tuesday he still didnt call.so i called and for the first time he seemed less than thrilled to hear from me."
"its funny how when you have two options laid out in front of you and one of them it the seemingly right one, the simple and most obviously right choice, i seem to be more drawn to the option that cant be an option. the one that i can't have, shouldnt have, and might not even want to have, keeps drawing me back"
and i still cant completely admit to myself that its over, or that it happened at all. pick one.
today i got that picture back. my dad developed the film. and there we were. me in my captain america shirt, him with his studded bracelet. thumbs up. completely unbeknownst to me what the future would be like. good times.
ive got a better man now
2/2/03 : six days went by/ trying to forget [your face]/ it was you and i/ we were too young for these games/ and all the pictures that i kept/ and all the things i should have said/ it was you and i/ but mostly me/ lost in you/ and i cant find myself again/ six weeks went by/ still pretending that im fine/ it was you and i/ holding back whats on our minds/ and all the things i should have said/ and all the letters left unsent/it was you and i/ but mostly me/ six months went by/ i almost forgot your face/ till they played that song tonight/ the one we used to hate.
i had a dream last night that tim appologized to me. we were sitting in the backseat of someone's car. i dont remember how we came to be in the same car, but i remember that he kept trying to get my attention, he hept putting his hand on my back, he tried to hold my hand. and i ignored him. or at least i didnt respond, but i was paying attention. i remember him holding my hand. and all these feelings surging. and all i did was let him hold it, but i didnt respond. all i could think about was tom. he appologized to me. i think he said he was sorry he didnt tell me, sorry he hadn't called. i dont remember forgiving him. but i do remember an extreme desire to kiss him.
when do i get to be tim free?
2/19/03 .... 12:26pm: my cell phone just rang and for a fleeting moment i htought it was him.
3/8/03: i think im over it. but i think that if i see him i wont be. but then again, i want to see if i am over him by seeing him. but i dont want to see him and not be over him. so im avoiding seeing him without even knowing whether or not seeing him will make me not over him so im losing out on chances to hear some great music becuase i dont want to see him because im afraid of seeing him. but curiousity is getting the better of me and i cant stand not knowing if seeing him will change anything. ... does this make any sense at all?
redundant much?
3/18/03: yep ... definitly not over it. i want to see him so badly, but i know ill end up spending the whole night crying for my poor pathetic self. god damnit. i sound like all those stupid weepy-face girls i hate so god damn much. weepy-mc-weeps-alot wants out here!
4/5/03
im in love with someone else, but i still dont have the closure i need. hes still on my mind and i want him to go away ....
daRealBassman333: download mastering the list by the bandits it rocks harder than most of progress...if you havent already
LovStar8: do you have it?
daRealBassman333: yeah its on a comp so i only have it on my computer
LovStar8: can you send it to me?
LovStar8: i cant download anything
daRealBassman333: yeah sure but if it takes too long im going to have to stop
daRealBassman333: hold on a sec
LovStar8: send it as a file
LovStar8: its quicker
daRealBassman333 wants to send file V.A. - Drive Thru Records Compilation - Welcome to the family - 13 - RX Bandits - Mastering the list.mp3.
daRealBassman333: why cant you download anything
LovStar8: my dad is a nazi ... he took away win mx
daRealBassman333: bastard
LovStar8: yeah im dying here
LovStar8: and luke borrowed progress so i cant listen to that
daRealBassman333: im downloading another song of theres thats off there new cd which comes out soon if it downloads in time ill send it too
LovStar8: which song?
daRealBassman333: its called sell you beautiful
LovStar8: yeah i have that
LovStar8: i love it
daRealBassman333: o ok
daRealBassman333: i havent heard it yet
daRealBassman333: or i might have
LovStar8: the tempo is a little wierd but its good
LovStar8 received C:My Documentsdownloadlovstar8V.A. - Drive Thru Records Compilation - Welcome to the family - 13 - RX Bandits - Mastering the list.mp3.
daRealBassman333: weird how?
daRealBassman333: o yeah i have heard this
daRealBassman333: its like 3 bars of four and then a bar of six
LovStar8: yeah its cool
daRealBassman333: in the begginig at least
daRealBassman333: and in five when hes singing
LovStar8: so pat told me that son of alf has a bandits sound now?
LovStar8: would you agree?
daRealBassman333: no
LovStar8: haha ok
daRealBassman333: i think they are decent but are dickheads and think they are way better than they are
LovStar8: really?
LovStar8: by the way how did that show go?
daRealBassman333: last night?
LovStar8: i heard you only got to play 4 songs?
daRealBassman333: o yea
daRealBassman333: it stunk
LovStar8: yeah i havent been to a show in awhile
daRealBassman333: i gg ill hopefully talk to you soon
daRealBassman333: good luck with zoomie
LovStar8: yep
daRealBassman333 signed off at 6:38:11 PM.
3 minutes after i just added the last update to this entry ... and he ims me for the first time in months. my heart hurts because of this and i feel guilty that i still feel like this. especially with zoomie around now. why couldnt things have been different? and why did he have to say "good luck with zoomie"?
4/6/03: KyLiz04: and i hate to leave now but ive been sick and i am very tired......all i can say is work slowly, very slowly towards even ground, establish a friendship, nothing more no matter how big of a crush or how much you like him, because he is capable of pulling the same thing again and even if he didnt you would hurt zoomie very badly and he is a great guy (which i wuld not have said a few months ago), if you are anything like me you are probably thinking about tim and the situation far too much and you cant necessarily help that but dont think as in "i get to see him sat" think as in, maybe we can be friends again...if you think in dates and him appearing somehow in your life it will be superficial and something youve made up in your head...can you tell thats what i did...? chances are quite good he has no problem with at least getting onto the same page with you, which would be a good start
4/7/03: this isnt good. i dont like this one bit. he makes me not like myself and for some reason that seems ok.
4/12/03: why do i subject myself to this? why did i put his name back on my buddy list. and why am i still talking to him at 3 am ... ?
3:55 am: i finally got my closure. i cant believe it.
wow
4/15/03: i think this might be the end of thie entry. something has been lifted. i finally got the guts to just ask him why. why he didnt call me. why he jsut cut things off. why he did everything that he did. and nothing that he told me was anything that i didnt already know ... but it came from him. and that is what matters. for once and for all i feel like i can move on. not to say that the feelings are still there, but a missing piece was missing for awhile. i know i cared more than he did. but then again its a general trend in my relationships.
but it finally stopped haunting me.
the end.
November 26, 2004
Not so fast! Just when I thought things were finally settled with Him, hah not so much. Tonight under the full moon, as we were shivvering on a bench beside the creek, he kissed me. How did I get there? Why did it happen? The good thing is that I'm very very cautious about this one. I am definitly not holding my breath waiting for him to call me. He probably just wanted some. The thing is that I always said that If he wanted me back I wouldn't think twice about it ... And I wasnt lying! I really never thought that that would ever happen, but now that it has I don't know what to think. He's sweet, and I'm eternally attracted to him, but something was amiss tonight. Something about it didn't feel right. Maybe because of what happened last time, maybe because I was cold and thinking about how I can never tell "him" about this, or maybe because I just don't trust him. But I couldn't refuse him. I don't know ...
I definitly don't think I'm back in love with him or anything drastic like that. But he is so appealing. He's a musician, he's smart and witty and in a band. He lives in Philly and ... I have no idea where I'm going with this. It's obviously an outlet to try to figure out what the hell just happend. I went to his record release show tonight because he told me to. It was a good time, not so much my scene, but still fun to watch. Then tonight he called me at about 12 to see if I wanted to do something. I of course jumped at the chance to see him and agreed. So he picked me up and we drove around for a little while talking, then we went to a park and walked for a little bit before we found a bench to sit on. It was small talk mostly until he kissed me ... wow. It's almost 2 years later, It's 2 years and almost exatly a month since the last kiss. I have no idea where he's going with this, but I'd like to see. I can't tell my mom about this, I can't tell anyone, because "he" will be really hurt if he finds out. I love him dearly but things just cant work out with "him". And I have no idea how things are expected to work out with this new predicament. All I know is that its going to be a tough one, especially since no one since this guy has ever made me cry like he did. No one has made me so thuroughly depressed ... but I can never stay angry with him ... why???
12/1/04
so I'm trying really really hard to not think about the fact that I was probably just a random hookup to someone I dont think I can accept being random to. Its becoming increasingly difficult to not feel hurt. Im trying to battle it off, i swear, but man ...
why did I let this happen when all the signs pointed away from it?
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