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fresh like the mint on your pillow at that fancy resort. you dont really know where it comes from, but its nice to see it chilling out. nothing is ever really that bad. nothing is too much to handle. especially in middle class suburbia. where my main mission in life is to squish pennies on the railroad tracks and maybe, if its not too much to ask, to have a future or something. i think what i truly want right now is someone to believe in me. someone to silently root me on. to honestly believe that it will turn out alright and not hold so many doubts over their head. i want to crash the symbols (yes i ment to spell it that way) so close to my face that i flinch and almost clip my nose. maybe, as i sip tap water and watch cheesy reality television shows, ill figure out what i actually want. or maybe i wont figure it out until i get there. and im thinking that isnt such a bad thought. when i see my friends i desire to give them the biggest hug. its wierd really, every time i see pat or casey or brendan or amy or whoever, i just want to give them this huge "hey i missed you" hug. usually i dont follow through because i dont want to freak people out ... im just wierd like that. im thinking about how many things are coming up that are monumental. im taking my second SAT in a few days. the prom is next week. ill be applying for college in 6 months. ill be moving out in a little over a year. ill be getting my license in 4 months. im taking an AP exam in 2 weeks ... things im not prepared for ... nor am i attempting to be prepared for. i caught in this never-ending tug o war in my mind over whether i want to live the ever popular motto "you only live once" ... but i dont want to be reckless. i want to cast society away and live day to day ... but im too terrified of failure, of being nothing, of dropping off the face of the earth. im terrified that in 10 years i wont talk to casey or pat or mike or kevin or brendan or melissa or amy or kyle or angelo or sean or zoomie or tim ... or the people who i take for granted as the present. who will be my future. why do i keep asking the same questions when i know ill never get the answers?
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