i should be able to handle the twinges of jealousy, the idea that im not that one, the fact that shes better than me, the fact that i lost there, and there too, the fact that i might die by small pox.

i should be more prepared to face the loss of someone, whether or not it is to death. and i should be prepared to listen and speak up, to show the right emotions, not say the wrong thing, not take it the wrong way, to have a sense of humor when i need it, not just when i want to have it.

i need to be more prepared for college and the extreme culture shock that will definitly result. and the fact that he wont be the only one to cheat on me, and that the really good ones are hard to find because its that much more rewarding when they finally do find themselves in your arms.

i need to be more prepared for failure, and with that, more success. for squished change on the tracks and mountains made out of bedtime resolutions. and for the lost ground, and the ideas gained.

i need to be prepared for the worst, the best, the trips, the last days in which ill hold on to every tiny memory like i were dying. ill remember the way that spoon dropped on the floor, or the smudge on the car window, or the way the end of the two curled up in that teacher's handwriting as i examined my first/second/third/4th to last/2nd to last/etc. grades.

i need to be prepared for crew. one day ill actually do that. i looked in envy at the people on their boats in the warm air, being a team, feeling the triumph of crossing the line, the disappointment of coming in last.

one day ill be prepared for the future, but right now im working on being ready for the present.