its actually beginning to dawn on me that yes, i am going to college next year. that is crazy. college has always been that thing that i know is in the future ... but seemed like it was never really actually going to come. it was always something fun to think about, but it never seemed real. and those applications were always the thing i dreaded doing, but at the same time, it didnt seem like anything i ever needed to worry about.

and now im learning about what career i will have for the rest of my life, how to fill out tax returns, how to write a resume.

i guess the thing that im the most afraid of, which isnt anything new, isnt the idea of college or the thought of moving out. its the fact that i wont be able to play frisbee with him, and sit on the swings, and have bohemian raphsody/mudmask parties, and have sleepovers with her, and complain about his orange juice, or get yelled at for arguing with him, or watching him throw food into his mouth everyday (and only making like 1 out of 50 shots), and the times when he messed up my hair in the hallway, or when something he said got me in trouble because i couldnt stop laughing in spanish, or how i dont even need to say anything anymore to her, she just knows what im thinking, or how we can act like complete fools, and its fun, or to just know that if it was every completely necessary, i could go a few blocks any way, and end up in the arms of one of my closest friends.

and i wont have that anymore when this is all over. im already fearing graduation THIS year, i know i wont be able to handle it next year.