ive come to realize that i, at the age of 16, am rediculous for looking for love. i am a silly little teenager who thinks that that kind of thing is supposed to come along at this time in my life. but instead of enjoying every minute of every hour of this last year in my childhood, im trying to grow up and find flaws in a relationship that probably wont reach past highschool.

i care i really do, but not in the way that i see some caring. and i doubt that he feels differently.

the thing is, that im not ready to have one love ... i have too much love in me to keep exclusive. its not about the calling everynight, or holding hands in the hallway, its about sharing a bond. i know that i treasure my friendships, but that doesnt feel like enough, because those are the people that are perfect for me, not some guy.

but in defense for the defenseless in this, im content where i am, because im cared about. and maybe its not the caring that i was thinking about, but ive come to realize that that kind of caring comes from my friends. and maybe its not what i thought, i mean, maybe after all these years, its just a deep bond that i love having. i dont have to keep making it more than it really is.

becuase i do have that someone who i can sit for hours at cabana with just talking, and enjoying the company of. and i do have someone who makes me laugh until i cry, and i do have someone to argue with, to hug, to cry on their shoulder, to let them cry on my shoulder, someone i can call in the middle of the night, someone who will bring me tacos at 10 when i just need a break ... and maybe it doesnt matter that they arent all rolled into one person. maybe its good to have the perfect relationship with a group of people, instead of just one. perhaps there is more balance in that. and perhaps life is happier.

not to say that im getting out of any current relationships, but maybe ill just take it as it is, stop trying to make it perfect, and enjoy what little time i have instead of bitching about it all the time.