it becomes so hard to understand how someone's ego can take such control over them. its becomes incredibly lonely being alienated and erased.

thats it really ... erased completely. whited out from life.

then i get angry ... i choke ... and i yell as loud as i can on the inside. how could he preach to me his religion and how he has morals ... when i can at least treat people like human beings.

hypocrite

fucking hypocrite.

and then comes the anger at myself. ive been telling myself to not get angry or worked up about things. nothing is that important. drama is overrated.

and all ive been doing is telling myself that my emotions are stupid.

how is that healthy. i havent cried in a long time. because i started telling myself that crying was just drama. and thats what i was trying to eliminate. if i can shove it in a corner than hurt wont exist anymore and then im fine. becuase hurt was getting old. i think im just making things worse.

getting upset about it is stupid

but this is how i feel

so why is it so stupid

why do i keep telling myself that every strong feeling i have is stupid. im writing myself off.

and in those moments i wish i had people to hold my hand and walk through it. but then again im afraid they think its dramatic. that its old and over used. that teen angst is illegitimate anyway and they dont really mean it when they say they really care.

and then when i start getting worked up my mind just piles on every little thing that i should be bothered by ... adn it brings up past battles and future fears and the things i just cant have.

i just cant have.