i lost matt ... probably forever. i knew id screw that one up. but it wasnt my fault! well yeah it was. i know that feelings dont jsut go away ... but i this isnt the right time.

i think the most unnerving thing was the fact that most people were talking about what a bad choice i had made behind my back. but that was definitly not the reason i halted matt and i's relationdship. i just hope i havent lost him again ...

i lost friends ... some people who were so important to me barely even talk to me. i dont exist in their world anymore.

i lost camp. who am i kidding ... i didnt make it 2 years ago ... why would i make it now? i cant live without this camp. its such a huge part of my soul. people in new jersey dont see it ... but almost everything i do in life is directly influenced by camp. i refer to it subconciously and conciously day in and day out. its defines most of my being ... to put it in a strong descriptive sense.

but im sick of being all "emo" ... i know that i have alot going for me. i have so many things to look foreward to.

i have the dave matthews concert next wed.

then our all-girls beach party next weekend

then on april 18th 2002 we head of on a trip of a life time ... or just a great excuse to get away from school and hang out with friends. PA TRIP TO VIRGINIA

then i have puerto rico

then my braces coming off

then summer

then north carolina

then (hopefully) camp

then my birthday

then on november 27th at 4:30 pm i have already reserved my spot in marky's car the day he gets his license. woo hoo

right ...

*sigh*