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i just called camp. just like i always do. hoping my name had moved up on the waiting list. i mean youd think it would at least move up a few spots since april. but no ... ive been #6 for 4 months. im going crazy. for a while it killed me, then for awhile it really didnt bother me so much. now its bothering me again. i guess its half my own fault for not being able to let go. but can you blame me? heh i think its funny that some camp can effect me so much. it really does. i have these memories cemented in my brain because im so afraid to lose them. i sleep with my camp pictures taped up all around my bed. i listen to my camp cd all the time. i sit there imagining what i would be doing at camp ... what i would be doing if i got in this year. and 2 years ago my brother got in and i didnt. and it was devastating. i had to watch him pack knowing where he was going and what i would be missing. then i got in last year. and it was the most memorable year ever. and there was supposed to be a follow up this year. i was supposed to be a LIT. i mean i did everythign right ... i fed-exed my application in overnight the day they were accepting them ... i knew people ... i cared so much. probably too much. sometimes through all of this pain of not going (which an outsider would never be able to understand) i wish i never really liked camp. i wish it was just another place my family sent me. i wish i hated my fellow campmates. i wish i didnt open up. i wish i didnt make any friends. i wish the counselors were mean and terrible to us. just because i know i wouldnt be sitting here writing an ungodly long and boring entry about my "pain" and how i dont know how ill get through this. because my friends got in and i didnt. because i can garuntee that camp means more to me than most people there. because i spend all this time trying to be completely myself ... the way i was at camp. and i wish i was able to be that person i was there. sometimes i wish there never was this place they call camp stella maris. it should be illegal. i think it could almost be emotionally damaging. because i know it was almost traumatic sitting there with the most important people in my life sobbing becasue we didnt want to leave. it was emotional torture that i cannot describe. not being there is one of the hardest things in my life right now. why is it that a place can do that to me?
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