i dont know why i still hold it back. ive pretty much taken my hint, damn i took it long ago. especially after being replaced.

you cant say i didnt try, and i cant say that i completely tried. all i know is that it was beyond my power to contain what little bit was left.

again this entry is coming off slightly on the morbid side.

but its not, its more of an acceptance. i know i still care, i know ill always care, and should things turn again, i know ill be here waiting for the old times. heh ... to much estrogen i suppose.

and another thing, why do i always try to down-play these feelings as me just being over-dramatic or a stupid girl, thats not it at all.

listening to "the luckiest" ben folds style. thinking about whats going on lately and cant help but smile and relate to this one.

heh i cnat believe how reluctant i am to admit that im really really happy right now.

but i can admit to the whole world how incredibly petrified i am.

im terrified that tomorrow ill wake up and it'll be different. will he cheat on me? does he just act like this because he wants some? will he lead me on and then back out right when ive fallen for him? will he just one day decide he doesnt want me anymore?

i find it a little frstrating that these past experiences keep me from truly letting people get to my heart. sure its easy for me to like someone, be attracted to them, but its anbother to actually let them into whats going on in my head, to let them have an influence, to let them matter.

here i go ...

my mom calls me pessimistic, i say im cautious.

i say this is another one of those really annoying entries that teenage girls write about their "soap-opera" lives while they listen to russian lesbian techno music ... or maybe thats just me.

hey ive convinced the outer me that ive let go. the inner me is definitly not. i dont think i want to.

i think i want to be able to write intelligently witty entries ... or maybe i just wish i could shamelessly put whatever i want in here without worrying if my actual momentary feelings will offend/bore/influence/make people pass judgement. i wish i wasnt so appoligetic in my own diary.

with or without you