its not me being dramatic, its me being afraid, terrified even.

terrified that i will nevr talk ot him again, them again. terrified that there is no longer a class above me. terrified of failure, of not having "oh ill make it next year", terrified of change.

all day i looked around at all the people who had effected me somehow. and i looked at the people who dont matter to me in the least, and id even miss them. i never wanted to be a senior. i liked the security of it being in the future, nothing that seemed like it was actually going to come.

and it rained all day. i wore my tye dye shirt and i tried to be all "seniory" but it didnt feel right. i felt like an impostor, like i was just pretending. im not graduating next year, im not going to college, im not leaving comfort and familiarity behind.

i dont want to watch them cry

i dont want to think about the fellings, the heartbreaking feeling i know ill have next year. i dont want to think that next year i wont be walking down the hall with him, commenting on his purple shirt, no highfive in the hallway, no lethal weapon 4, no car chases, no trips to taco bell, no late night visits from him ... its all going to be a memory ill hold on to despiratly while theyre living it up at college. and like he said ... when we talk about this year's graduation he'll ask ... "were you even there"

agh it kills me

i hate this more than words.

the sinking feeling when that bell rang

and im going to feel bad that im there and they arent, but i care just as much as they do. yeah i dont have a boyfriend graduating, but that doesnt mean that i dont care just as much. i worked it out because i wanted it that badly.

i cant wait to hear him speak.

i am dreading hearing him speak.

i dont want to be this afraid, i dont want to be like t his. i want to be excited. i really really do. but i cant. i cant let go.