yeah ... way too much.

tonight was another affirmation of how glad i am for the friends that i have. instead of being "down the shore" getting drunk out of my mind, or at "some guys" house taking shot after shot until i just dont remember anything, i sat in kyle's living room and i drank cream soda while playing a card game that involved spoons and listened to the rx bandits and 50's rock. i laughed until i was about to cry, and i just looked around at all of my friend's faces, and i was glad that i had them, or have them rather.

i was hoping he would call tonight. i dont think i realized that i might actually miss him. i spend too much time complaining about him. god i feel like such a bitch sometimes. i guess its just my defense mechanism. i cant admit that i might actually have feelings for someone. instead i just pick apart everything that they do wrong to make them seem like a huge asshole. i dont know why i have a hard time admiting to myself and others when im having a good time when it comes to any kind of attachment to a guy. i mean, i can talk about a crush for hours, but im reluctant to talk positively about my relationship. what is that? why cant i just get over the fact that a few things have been messed up. im not even allowing him to get close enough to matter, or so i thought. but i truely miss him. and i dont know when he's coming home.

but i miss him. ... there i said it.

he might make me mad, and im sure i make him mad too, and maybe thats just this relationship. they all certainly arent the same, so why try to figure this one out. why cant i just let things happen. and why cant i get past my control complex?