when he comes home i wish he would leave again. i like being alone in the house. is that wierd? i dont mind my mom being home. we can co-exist peacefully. but my dad and i ... no.

i dont understand this. i love him to death. im always trying to impress him, to gain his approval, to make him proud. but at the same time i just want him to go away.

he never has a positive word for me, or rather he sometimes does hidden under his playful sarcasm or when its least expected. my report card is good, but i could work harder, i played well in the game, but i should fix this. i think he just doesnt want me to screw up, and hes proud like me ... too proud to admit when he really likes something.

maybe that's it. maybe we'er just so alike that we cant comprehend eachother.

he yells too much. mainly at my brother. he just yells and yells about the stupidest things. hes like a short fuse. all you have to do is say something slightly off-color and hes screaming at you. or maybe you left a glass on the counter ... and not in the dishwasher, and his yelling is going again. its constant really. i know hes home because hes yelling at my brother.

my brother is going to be so messed up. his dad just yells at him.

i can take it ... i can block it out ... but i worry about my little brother ... he might start becoming an asshole too.

my dad isnt abusive. im not saying that by anymeans. i just dont understand how he can find it in him to just be so angry all the time.

sometimes hes the best dad in the world. hes funny, hilarious even, very strong on his convictions and alot more intelligent than he lets on. and i wish he could be like that all the time. but the yelling ...

i told him today. i told him that i dont even listen to him when he yells. i cant respect him when his face is all purple and spit is shooting out and hes babbling somethign about sirty shoes. i told him that i switch him off. i block him out. there's a wall.

i told him that im starting to be sensitive to yelling by anyone.

the other day casey yelled at me. i stepped on her leg. i didnt mean it, and i know i would have yelled too. but i was so angry at her. why did she have to yell? why couldnt she just tell me? i could feel the blood rushing to my face and all i wanted to do was yell back, scream even. im glad i just sat there and collected my thoughts. i wasnt mad at her, i was mad at the situation. i had become so defensive to yelling that it was boiling over into other relationships.

i love my dad. why cant he see this?