ive been trying to push it all out of my head like its no big deal, like im ready to move on and meet new people. but i dont want new people. i want what i have now to last forever and ever. and im not being a cliche nieve senior who is starting to realize exactly where i am in life ...

or maybe i am.

i dont care about school, but im upset when i dont get an A. im not an overachiever, but im the one who is typing up my own personal college guide packet.

i think im trying to organize and reorganize everything around me becasue its the only real control i have in my life. i have this intense fear that at any moment things are going to blow up in my face. its been to long since ive felt like dirt ... and i have this feeling that the longer it is until i get hurt again, the worse its gonna end up.

i guess im just extremely paranoid that the delicate web ive found myself in, a comfort zone ive never experienced in my life, is too fragile. i dont want to lose.

but ... i love study hall.