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I have come to accept that I may be permanently damaged. Not in an oh-so-emo I am so sad all the time please cry with me and hand me a tissue damaged. But I know that I have unbelievable walls set up. I can't let go of the past to save my life. I will always revisit those songs, those pictures and those places and even though they've now become less than dull aches, they're still there ... and I still pay attention to them. The aches, the memories and the second guessing are constantly preventing me from ever feeling confident in another relationship. The moment when I feel confident that perhaps I can shake this unending doubt and total chronic dissatisfaction with everything, I retrogress to memories I should have locked away, urges to call that are nearly impossible to ignore and that sinking feeling that I'm about to hurt another wonderful person. I find that I am perfectly content being single. I am allowed to have feelings without acting on them, without reciprication and without the innevetable fact that someone is going to get hurt. Crushes are fun. Beyond that it stops being fun. Thats my mentality ... On another note, I love college. My apartment is great and the smell of burning food is becoming less and less frequent. Emeril ... watch out.
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